No Pain, No Gain
By Michael Colonia ©2001
He never thought he would be in this situation. There was hardly a reason for him to continue living, yet something just wouldn't let him give up. It was clear that if he didn't get help soon he would bleed to death where he lay. If he was lucky, the cold would slow down the bleeding long enough for him to freeze to death. "How did I let this happen?" he thought to himself, fighting to maintain consciousness. He began to try to unravel the events that led him to his would be death bed.
David was a handsome man, by most accounts, successful, charming and intuitive. These were some of the adjectives used to describe him. One ex-girlfriend, lamenting her failed relationship, said "David was always so sweet to me. He always knew if I was a little down or if there was something I wanted to get off my chest. He always knew the right thing to say or do. I never should have let him go. I was stupid.". David was never at a loss for companionship long. It always seemed that when one relationship ended a new one would appear before he got a chance to feel sorry for himself. I guess you could add resiliency to his traits. He maintained a fairly wide circle of friends, yet you couldn't really call any of them his best friend. People loved him and enjoyed his company, they just never got too deep with him. Superficial? Maybe you could say that, but if you ask the people around him they would say how wonderful he is. I suppose they all just imagined someone else was his confidant, they never thought of him as lonely or disconnected. Most of them would say he was the most together guy they knew.
"Laura?" David screamed out, shaking himself awake. He looked through the trees to see snowflakes begin to fall. He looked, hoping he would see the outline of a person coming for him. But all he saw was an increasing snowfall and the dark woods that surrounded him. He began to whimper and say, "Why, why ,why.........". Yet there were no tears, even though now was a good time to feel sorry for himself. He thought about Laura, he thought about her long red hair. He remembered a time when he was standing behind her while she sat at her dressing table. He remembered wanting to touch her hair, even slightly reaching out for it. Yet he stopped himself, he knew she had spent a long time getting ready and he didn't want to mess it up. Laura was a beautiful woman to be sure, dimpled smile, big green eyes, and ivory skin as smooth as a cue ball. She had a great sense of humor too, and bright! She was summa cum laude at Vassar. She was a sweet girl too, not stuck up or spoiled like many of her class mates. She was the perfect girl for David. His friends thought it was certain they would get married. Yet one day, it was over. Like many of his relationships, it just ended and David went on to the next one. Perhaps if one of his friends thought themselves close enough they would have asked him if he was ok. But since he quickly rebounded, no one ever bothered.
He couldn't feel his right leg anymore. It was like he was lying next to a log that someone had poured red paint all over. Ok, best of all situations is he lives the rest of his life an amputee. People may even feel sorry for him. He wonders what that would be like. Then he thought he would take up wheel chair basketball and who knows maybe be on one of those reality shows and win a boatload of money. No one would feel sorry for him then. He would be same old David, like a cat, landing square on his feet. No matter the set back, no matter the disappointment, David always managed to rebound and he never let anything get him down. Not much ever seemed to get him up either, for that matter. Even keeled, you would know if he was happy or sad, just never really happy or really sad. He would always defer to someone else's emotions and never let his be imposed on others. That takes a certain amount of selflessness, to not let your emotion effect the people around you. Consequently, people could almost bleed their emotions through David and he would just then pass them off into the wind. No wonder people liked him, he had a calming effect. People who were with him would leave him feeling balanced and relaxed.
"Dave's a great guy," one of his friends would say. "I was going through a divorce, Dave was always there for me. He always found a way to make me feel better. Nothing in particular, just the fact that he was there. We would go out for a beer and I would just talk his ear off, he's a great listener. I'm really surprised no woman has managed to land him yet. I know he really liked Laura, I just don't know what happened there. Maybe it was for the best though. Seeing as how she died so young, it probably saved him a lot of heartache. He seemed ok after hearing the news, but it had been a few years already since they were together. Besides, he seems to be seeing a lot of some new girl lately."
He was starting to realize his death was near. He felt disembodied, yet stuck where he fell. The snow around him has now taken over his field of vision. Sparkling white dots were all around him. Then he saw her, right in the center of his vision. She was coming toward him, smiling like he had only seen her smile once. That was the day they met. She was working in a bookstore in Manhattan. It was a summer job as she would go back to Vassar in the fall. She was laughing and talking to a customer as she rang up their order and placed their book in paper bag. That's when she looked up at him with those big green eyes of hers and that big broad smile. She had her long red hair in a braid behind her and wore a white sleeveless v- neck sweater that revealed the fair freckles up and down her arms. David had forgotten what he was looking at as he never took his eyes off her on the way to her counter. "Ah, 'Finnegans Wake', I just adore Joyce," she said enthusiastically, as she really did love the writer.
"Um uh yeah, me too," he replied after glancing down at the book in his hand. He didn't know what else to say. He had read some Joyce in college, but wasn't necessarily a big fan.
"I guess my heritage might make me biased though, I love all the great Irish writers," she said a little embarrassed that she seemed so eager. She looked down and took the book from his hand. She looked up to see his reaction when she inadvertently touched his hand. "I'm sorry, may I?" she said smiling again. "Boy, this was the hardest one for me. So many references and such detail. I found 'Ulysees' much easier. Have you read it?"
"Um uh no, not yet," he said as he felt her Joy rush right through him. "I read some in college and I recently heard someone talking about this one on the radio." He watched her mouth move as she scanned the book and placed it in a paper bag. "Do you think I need to read the other one first?"
"Nooooooo, .........." she said turning her head down and wondering if she had said too much. "I'm sure you'll enjoy it very much," her smile disappearing and her face slightly ablush.
"Maybe after I've read some of it we could discuss it together........" Her faced turned up to meet his eyes, as her eyes grew as wide as her beautiful broad smile. Overcoming his nervousness and managing a small smile of his own he said, ".....say, over lunch or something?"
Her lips came together in a smile as she gently nodded her head and said, "I'd like that very much."
His smile broadened as he said, "Wonderful!"
She looked down at the package and took the book out of the bag. She opened the front cover and wrote 'Laura' in beautiful elegant script and under that, her number. She placed the book back in the bag and handed it to him with a smile. "I look forward to it."
David was all teeth as he said, "Me too." He looked down at the bag then back up to her. "I'm David," he said as the broken ice lay all around them melting on the floor. Then he began to pull away from the counter smiling a Cheshire grin.
"Nice to meet you David, I'm Laura," she said in a soft voice, slightly leaning forward toward him and folding her arms.
As he made a few more steps backward he said, "Bye Laura," still smiling ear to ear.
"Bye David," she said, leaning over the counter and breaking into a slight chuckle.
"Bye," he said, as he walked out the door with her Joy.
****
That day, she calmly went about her business, feeling relaxed and secure. He walked out of the bookstore as if he was living a dream. He was elated as he stepped to the curb and hailed a cab. Then he stepped in told the driver where to go and calmly and serenely opened the book and started reading. That was the happiest day of his life and the last joyful day of hers. They dated for almost a year before Laura left him. They were a traditional couple while they were together. He always treated her well and they never seemed to argue. One day she told him she was moving to the West Coast to do some graduate work and that it may be some time before her return. He told her he thought it was sort of sudden. She told him she needed some direction in her life, that everything had become bland to her. She needed a spark to get her mind working again. She needed to get back to doing research to expand herself, to feel good about herself again. He asked her if he proposed would she stay. She said it was something she needed to do. He didn't know what else say.
Four years and three girlfriends later, he heard from another bookstore clerk that Laura had died in an automobile accident. He was holding a copy of 'Ulysees' when a clerk that knew him told him the story. He bought the book, walked out to the curb and hailed a cab. He got in and told the driver to take him to some bar where he was meeting a friend. He looked at the package on the seat beside him, took the book out and opened it to the front cover. Just as he was beginning to read it he burst out in tears soaking the pages that lay in front of him. The cabby noticing him the mirror stopped at a light and began to turn to him. Just as he turned David said, "Good, we're here," not a tear in his eye. The cabby looked up and saw the bar on the opposite corner.
But here she was again, standing over him with that smile. He could feel the Love she had for him as she softly caressed his face. "But how?" he said. He could feel his senses returning to him.
"Shhhhhhhhhh," she said. "You don't have to understand, all you have to do is feel." She caressed and held him close.
"They said you were dead," he said relieved, feeling loved and saved.
"I was dead, but now I'm alive again and so are you." She closed her eyes and held him close.
"I Love you," he said, with all the Joy in his heart.
"I Love you too," she said returning the Joy to him, healing him with it.
"For too long you have taken the feelings of others with you. It's time to see and feel your own feelings. To let them shape you, and for you to accept them. You weren't supposed to feel Charlie's pain after the woman he loved slept with another man. You weren't supposed to feel the self-hatred and self-pity Donna had for herself. That was hers to deal with, not yours. And you weren't supposed to feel the Joy I had when we first laid eyes on each other. That was my Joy and I needed it. This is why you couldn't love me then, you were flooded with emotions and the only way you could deal with them was to wash them away, let them pass right through you. Now you are free to love me the way I loved you. We are both free. After I left you I couldn't cope, I loved you dearly yet I had no Joy in my life. I finally found my end at the bottom of a bottle and the side of the road.
"I'm so sorry Laura," shedding a tear for his loss. "I did love you, I see that now and I'm sorry for what I did to you. I want to make it up to you, I want to spend eternity loving you and helping you find your Joy."
"Dear David, you already have. I am more joyful right now than I have ever been. You made the ultimate sacrifice for me. You wouldn't let the love you had for me leave you anymore and you held on to it until we could be together and now we are. Nothing in the universe can stop that now, here our love is eternal."
David held her close and felt his love envelop him.
****
There was a brief investigation of David's' death. The cops couldn't find a motive that anyone would have to kill him. He had no enemies and the doors to his apartment were still locked from the inside, with no sign of a break-in. All the coroner's report said was that he died of sudden heart failure, but could give no further explanation. Still, the main investigator could not understand how a young healthy man could just die in his sleep like that. David was found in his apartment lying in bed as if sleeping, with nothing around except an open copy James Joyce's 'Ulysees' by his bedside.........and a little smile on his face.
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Contact Michael Colonia at: pma1963@aol.com